DON'T DO IT UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!
Fortunately, they live in the
I didn't help matters by deliberately booking a two week holiday immediately before their wedding, thus ensuring that I was tanned and looking good (I was a lot younger).
Even if I say so myself, my best mans speech was absolutely brilliant!
I suppose that it didn't really help that before I went on holiday I photographed every pub that my brother had ever frequented and trawled through his photographs in order to have copied large sized photographs of him with ex-girlfriends, in an alcohol induced sleep under a table, etc, for my photograph illustrated best man's speech illuminating his life as a means of introducing him to his new relatives and their friends.
I included illustrated embarrassing tales of his early life, uncomplimentary tales from his school days and other snippets that I thought entertaining!
His new sister-in-law and I found it hilarious, but otherwise there was 20 minutes of stony silence from my 'audience'.
As a 'hatchet job', it was brilliant! Although, in retrospect, that was not what it was intended to be.
A few months before that, they had bought their first home and, as a Surveyor of not inconsiderable expertise, I had been asked to drive down to the
After a cursory inspection, 10 days later I was asked to produce a Building Survey for them, without the extensive site notes that I would normally collect.
A very difficult situation, but something that I managed to achieve by taking great care to gloss over certain aspects and ensure that I was as best protected as I could be in the circumstances.
Over the next year, my brother and his new wife set about improving the house.
He hired the equipment to install his own damp proof course.
He decided that he could re-felt the flat roof extension to the rear.
He thought that he could install a downstairs WC.
He tried to lay a new drive.
I think that the problem here started with my father who was always keen to have a go at DIY but knew how far he could push it - if there was any doubt, he called in the experts.
On this subject, two very particular recollections will remain with me.
The first was when I was a young boy and I watched my father checking for a gas leak in the Garage of our house using the method of walking the length of the gas pipe, towards the meter, with his arm raised holding a lit cigarette lighter, which was in the immediate vicinity of the pipe.
As he got to the pipe connection with the meter, that was where the flame expanded dramatically!
Although my old man died in 1977, at the then young age of 51, I still have a number of his screwdrivers, some of which have scorched ends where they came into contact with live electricity cables as he occasionally did, never bothering to switch everything off at the mains when he was fitting new lights, etc!
I also remember him moving to different premises (he was an Optometrist) where, whilst my brother and I helped to refurbish and re-decorate those new premises, he made use of an overly long nail to secure a floorboard at first floor level, driving that nail directly through an old lead water pipe.
When you do this on a Sunday afternoon, water is going to go everywhere. When you haven't got the foggiest idea where the shut off valve is, everyone gets quite wet!
So, at a fairly early age, I had learnt what mistakes not to make and restrict my DIY efforts accordingly.
My brother had more confidence than that, which resulted in a call from his wife, at one point, which became her tirade against me making complaint of a rising dampness problem.
How she ever considered that this had anything to do with me will remain a mystery but, as she became increasingly heated, I resorted to expressing my opinion on her mental capabilities, her then patently obvious limited IQ level, etc.
My brother rang soon afterwards objecting to the terms that I had used to describe his wife and I followed that with an explanation of his patent inability to install a damp proof course and re-plaster, his ludicrous belief in his ability that he could apply a felt roof with the same level of confidence as a roofing contractor, etc.
He lives in
The point here is that DIY Superstores make millions of pounds every year.
You can't turn on the TV nowadays without coming across a property, home improvement or DIY programme.
I am of the belief that Tommy Walsh has something of a chest problem as his breathing does appear to be somewhat laboured, on occasions, but he nevertheless is making a good living out of his DIY programmes.
Good old Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and other similar presenters teams appeared to give the impression to the good old British public that you could do wonders with mdf and a bit of imagination!
I have seen the reality.
Do not do this as it invariably never works out as you saw it on TV!
Over the last 20 years, DIY has become the thing to do, but you've got to draw the line somewhere.
Specialists should always be used to get the job done correctly and efficiently the first time.
If you don't know what you are doing, please don't have a go! Chances are that unless you really know what you are doing, you won't get it right first time and it's going to be more expensive to call in the experts to put it right afterwards.
I'm a firm believer I leaving it to the experts and I advise you to do the same.
It may cost more, but you should get it right first time and a job well done will last longer.